A Crime Against Gandalf
by rubykateweasley
Summary: Soon to be R. Frodo blames himself for the loss of Gandalf.
1. Chapter One

Title: A Crime Against Gandalf  
  
Author: Kitty-Rose (seraphimoftheskies@hotmail.com) Pairing: Frodo/Sam Rating: leading up to NC-17  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Other Stuff: Angsty fluffy probably movie-verse but nothing movie-specific. Adopted a plot bunny at the library of moria, and this is the result.  
  
I  
  
"Merry?"  
  
"Yes, Pip?"  
  
"I'm worried about Frodo."  
  
There was a pause while Merry sighed and rolled over in his bedding to face Pippin. "I know, so am I, and it's hardly a surprise that he's upset. but there's nothing we can do. He has to do all these things that are hurting him."  
  
Pippin nodded sadly. "Well, at least he's got Sam."  
  
"Yeah," Merry ruffled Pippin's hair comfortingly, and then yawned. "Can I go back to sleep again now, Pippin?"  
  
*** Merry and Pippin weren't the only ones worried about Frodo that night. Sam lay awake too, as close to his master as he could get without waking him up. Frodo was curled up tightly in his bedding, shivering slightly and face creased in a deep frown. Sam had to fight the urge to reach out and stroke his master's cheek comfortingly, but that'd only wake Mr Frodo up, and besides it looked like he needed more than that to comfort him.  
  
He shifted on his elbows to see if he could work out what was in Mr Frodo's clenched fists. One, Sam managed to see, was clearly empty, but the other was somewhere underneath Mr Frodo's delicate body, and Sam couldn't see. As he leaned forward, he saw the ring hanging loosely against Mr Frodo's chest.  
  
Sam frowned. It couldn't be the ring that was affecting Mr Frodo then. So what was it?  
  
At that moment, Mr Frodo woke up suddenly with a jolt. Sam jerked too, and it was too late to pretend to have been asleep. Their eyes met, and Sam's were wide with apology and guilt. Mr Frodo's expression however was unwelcoming, still frowning, and he rolled over to face the other way.  
  
Sam felt an ache in his heart and wondered what he could do to help his poor master. "Mr Frodo."  
  
"What?" Frodo replied, shortly, not turning round.  
  
"Are you. alright.?"  
  
"I'm fine, Sam."  
  
Sam wanted to say something else, but he wasn't sure quite what he wanted to say, or what Mr Frodo wanted to hear. So he said nothing, and tried to get back to sleep.  
  
***  
  
There were plenty of things that Frodo wanted to say, he just didn't dare. What would Sam do if Frodo told him the truth? That no, he wasn't alright at all but not to feel sorry for him because he'd brought it on himself? That it was his fault that Gandalf was dead, and that the only reason why no-one had realised this yet was because they were so wracked with grief?  
  
No, he couldn't have said that to Sam, even though it broke his heart to keep things from his trusted companion. He'd always told Sam everything, although he supposed he'd never had a big secret like this before. Never imagined ever doing anything like this.  
  
Gandalf had trusted him, had asked him to choose where they would travel. Through Moria, or through Rohan? And Frodo had panicked; he hadn't been responsible and wise like Gandalf had trusted him to be. He hadn't ever been to either, hadn't spoken to anyone about either, and so he just blurted out "Moria" because he had no idea which would have been the better option. Why didn't he know more about it? He'd known for some time that he was going to have to leave the Shire, why hadn't he researched the matter? Why had he just assumed that Gandalf was going to look after him the whole time?  
  
And so they had passed through Moria, because Frodo said they should, and they had lost Gandalf, because Frodo hadn't known a simple thing. He'd brought it on himself, Frodo reminded himself, he should have known better. Now he wasn't been looked after by Gandalf at all and it served him right. He didn't even deserve to have Strider and Boromir and the others to look out for him. He didn't even deserve Sam watching him while he slept, always with that look of concern.  
  
He wished he could say something to Sam, roll over and reach out for his best friend, and take comfort in his arms. But why should he deserve that, after what he'd done? Sam would hug him close, and ask what was wrong, and as soon as Frodo had told him, Sam would be horrified. He'd think back to everything that had happened, realise how much of it had been Frodo's fault, and push him away. He'd tell the others, and Frodo would be all alone. Even if he deserved to be all alone, Frodo was too scared to make it happen, and he hated himself for being such a coward and not facing up to what he'd done.  
  
He would have to keep his crime against Gandalf to himself, even though he hated himself all the more for it. 


	2. Chapter Two

II  
  
"Are we lost?" asked Pippin, frowning.  
  
"Don't annoy Strider, Pip," Merry pulled him down to sit on a log beside him. Pippin frowned some more but said nothing.  
  
"Not lost, exactly," Aragorn said. "We're all going to rest here a moment. Do what you like, but don't stray far." He turned away to talk quietly to Legolas, and Merry and Pippin couldn't hear what they were talking about.  
  
Frodo looked about him at the others. Gimli had joined Merry and Pippin on the log, and Boromir was pacing up and down restlessly. Only Sam was watching him.  
  
Frodo took a deep breath, and disappeared among the trees, knowing that Sam would follow him. He hated himself for what he was about to do, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't cope with being alone any longer, and even if he had to trick Sam into comforting him, then he so be it. He'd done so much wrong already, that this wouldn't make much difference.  
  
He soon stumbled into a small clearing, and stopped. He could hear Sam behind him, and distantly the rest of the Fellowship talking. His eyes filled with tears, and he sat down against a tree, not caring about the damp leaves on the ground.  
  
"Mr Frodo!" Sam said, entering the clearing before he even knew it was there and looking guilty. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a-spying or nothing, it's just that."  
  
Frodo said nothing, and didn't even look up.  
  
"Mr Frodo?" Sam stepped forward cautiously. "I'm sorry, I'll go someplace else if you want me to."  
  
"No, Sam," Frodo looked up, and choked back his tears. "Please don't go. I need you."  
  
"Oh, Mr Frodo," Sam cried, in a mixture of relief and concern. "I won't ever go nowhere if you don't want me to!" He hurried over and dropped to his knees in front of Mr Frodo. "But. please tell me what the matter is, Mr Frodo, I can't bear to see you like this."  
  
"Sam. I." Frodo looked up into Sam's loving eyes, and found himself sobbing and choking into the cold air. He was quickly enveloped in Sam's warm strong arms, as the younger hobbit whispered comforting words.  
  
"There, there, Mr. Frodo, what's the matter? Can't you tell your Sam?" He leaned back and looked Frodo in the eyes. Cold blue empty eyes, void of all emotion, despite the tears flowing freely from them.  
  
"No," Frodo managed, and shook his head. He was starting to regret crying in front of Sam. He couldn't bear to keep secrets from him, and at least before he could pretend there no secrets at all. Now he must acknowledge the fact that he wasn't going to tell anyone, anything. And soon people would start trying to work it out for themselves, and what if they stumbled upon the truth?  
  
Frodo began to sob harder, realising he'd made things worse for himself. He tried to push Sam away. He didn't deserve such comfort.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, please!" Sam, tried to put his arms around Frodo again. But Frodo would have none of it and tried to scramble to his feet. Sam wouldn't let go of his master, and somehow Frodo slipped on the mud and ended up flat on his back on the leafy wet ground. Sam, desperately clutching onto Frodo, somehow landed on top of him.  
  
For a moment, both hobbits lay there, breathless and surprised. Frodo felt as though all the sobs had been shaken out of him, and the startling fall had made him yearn for comfort again. He was grateful to have Sam so close, even though he was dizzy from the fall and nothing was making sense.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo, sir," Sam came to his senses and quickly tried to get up, cursing himself for scaring poor troubled Mr. Frodo.  
  
"No! Sam! Don't." Frodo held tightly onto Sam's cloak and gazed at him pleadingly. "Don't move. please, Sam."  
  
Sam frowned in confusion, but didn't move, hands moving to stroke Frodo's hair comfortingly. He wasn't sure what Mr. Frodo was upset about, but he was sure that whatever it was, he was always going to be there to comfort his master. Frodo was gazing up at him, his previously empty eyes suddenly pleading, aching, only inches from his. Sam felt his own heart ache as he sensed Frodo's pain, and he wished he could make it better some how. His gaze travelled down, as if dragged there by some unseen force, from Frodo's eyes to his lips, slightly parted and damp from tears. Lips trembling and pink.  
  
And then Sam knew that this was the right moment.  
  
Sam had been aware for some time now, that there was an unspoken agreement between them; recognition of each other's developing feelings, of the new growing warmth. Sam knew, and was sure Frodo knew too, that there was no sense in rushing into the new found feelings. All they could do was wait and learn for the feelings to grow until there was nothing left to do except act upon them. Ever since they'd left Moria, and Frodo had started to act so strangely, Sam had been worried that maybe the feelings were slipping away. But now, gazing down at Frodo beneath him Sam was certain that they hadn't gone anywhere at all.  
  
He leaned down slowly, and brought his lips to Frodo's in a warm, reassuring kiss. He felt Frodo catch his breath beneath him, and then open his mouth further to the kiss, hesitantly welcoming it with his tongue. Sam melted into the kiss, the sounds of the birds in the trees and the fellowship in the distance fading away, the dampness of the air and his feet becoming nothing compared to the sensations of the kiss.  
  
Frodo could taste his own tears on Sam's lips, and found himself fully absorbed into the kiss within moments of realising it was happening. His head was still spinning and he tried frantically to make sense of everything, and then suddenly all his guilt came back to him with a jolt, and he cried out into Sam's mouth.  
  
"Mr. Frodo?" Sam broke away from the kiss and looked worried. "Is it too soon?"  
  
"No, Sam," Frodo cried, breathlessly, still clinging onto Sam's cloak. "It's not too soon, it's perfect, it's just the right moment, you're perfect. the only thing that isn't perfect is me!"  
  
"But." Sam stared in confusion as the tears flowed down Frodo's face again, and he reached out and brushed them away with his hand. "How could you not be perfect, Mr. Frodo? You're perfect to me."  
  
"You don't understand, Sam," Frodo choked back a sob. He knew he had to tell Sam now; now that they had shared that magical moment. Even though it would ruin everything, Frodo knew he couldn't mislead Sam any longer. "I've done something. terrible."  
  
"What have you done?" Sam asked, confused. "It can't be so very terrible. At least, nothing so terrible to stop me loving you."  
  
"Do you. love me?" Frodo asked, heart aching.  
  
"Of course I do, Mr. Frodo." Sam blushed a little. "Couldn't you tell?" "Yes, I just. I love you too Sam. but you wouldn't love me, if you knew." Frodo dissolved into sobs again, shaking beneath Sam's firm comforting body.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, please tell me what it is," Sam said, desperately. "I know it can't be as bad as you think it is, I don't think you could ever do something truly terrible, you don't have it in you. But if it's bothering you so, then I want to know, so that I can make it better."  
  
"You can't make it better." Frodo shook his head. "You see. I. it's my fault that Gandalf is." His sentence faded into more sobs.  
  
"Oh, Mr. Frodo!" Sam gasped, and Frodo began to tremble further. "You can't think that was your fault!" He wiped the tears from Frodo's cheeks, trying to comfort the crying hobbit.  
  
"It was my idea. to go through Moria," Frodo managed, through sobs. "Think about it and you'll see it's true. You can go now, if you like, I shan't blame you for not loving me anymore." His fingers released Sam's cloak, and he avoided Sam's gaze.  
  
"Mr. Frodo!" Sam said, squeezing his master tightly. "You listen to your Sam now. I may not know much about the world and magic and them things, but I know that Gandalf knew what we were letting ourselves in for when we went to Moria and he knew the risks. I think he might even have known what was going to happen before we even encountered that fiery thing. It wasn't your fault, Mr. Frodo, and I love you more than ever."  
  
Frodo looked up at Sam's honest earnest brown eyes, and began to cry further, his hands tightened again on Sam's cloak.  
  
"Don't you believe me?" Sam's heart sunk.  
  
"I do," Frodo managed to nod. "It's just. I'm crying because I'm happy, because I'm so lucky to have you, because. I'm in love." He broke out into a smile, and then found himself laughing. He loved Sam, and that meant he trusted him with all his heart. And if Sam didn't think it was Frodo's fault, then Sam must be right.  
  
Sam grinned too, and kissed Frodo lovingly on the lips. "I'm glad you're back to my Mr. Frodo."  
  
"I'm always your Mr. Frodo, Sam," Frodo smiled. "Except you don't really need to call me Mr. Frodo anymore."  
  
"Maybe." Sam leaned up a little, and looked down at Frodo. "I reckon I should stop lying on you. Frodo. You're getting all muddy."  
  
"I hadn't noticed," Frodo admitted, but looking down realised that Sam was right.  
  
"Let's go somewhere to get you all cleaned up." Sam stood up, and held out his hand to help his master up. Frodo took his hand gratefully and didn't let it go even when they were standing.  
  
Sam turned to explore the forest for the stream he was sure he could hear nearby, but then Frodo tugged at his hand, and he turned back. "What is it, Mr. Frodo?"  
  
"Thank you, Sam," Frodo said, simply.  
  
"Anything for my Frodo," Sam smiled. 


End file.
